God’s Original Plan for Marital Roles:
Even before sin there were gender roles in marriage. Eve was
created to be a helper for her husband.
Genesis
2:18, “The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be
alone. I will make a helper suitable
for him.”
Adam was to have dominion over the whole earth and subdue it
“Genesis 1:26.” His authority was shown when he was tasked with naming all the
animals (Genesis 2:20). His dominion included Eve for he named her too (Genesis
3:20). Adam was also supposed to work and care for his subjects (Genesis 2:15).
Eve was supposed to help and obey Adam in his rulership of earth
(Genesis 2:18). She also had the unique role of bearing babies.
Everything was wonderful in the garden and Adam and Eve enjoyed
their respective roles. Adam was in charge and Eve happily obeyed his
lead.
Role Reversal:
But one day the roles got messed up. Eve was deceived into eating
the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Then she gave some to
Adam. Adam knew it was wrong, he wasn’t deceived (1 Timothy 2:14); but he
decided to follow her lead this time and ate the fruit. That’s when sin came
into the world and everything changed (Genesis 3:1-7)! When we switch roles
letting the wife take the lead there will be problems.
Sin Corrupted Marital Relationships
Once sin entered the world the roles of husband and wife didn’t
change, they just became harder. God cursed Adam because he obeyed his wife to
do wrong. Genesis 3:17 says “To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your
wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not
eat from it,’
“Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat food from it
all the days of your life.
18 It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.
19 By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return.”
His role of leadership, caring for the earth and everything in it
and providing for his wife would now be more difficult. Because he ceded his
leadership to his wife, he would now have a much more difficult time
maintaining it.
Eve’s role
would be harder too. Genesis
3:16, To the woman He said:
“I will greatly
multiply your sorrow and your conception;
In pain you shall bring forth children;
Your desire shall be for your husband,
And he shall rule over you.”
Her
child birth would be painful and her husband’s rulership would be harder. She
would still desire a husband but she would need him to rule over her more
adamantly. From now on submission would not come naturally, it would be
a chore and Adam would have to help her do it. The New
Living Translation puts it this way, “And you will desire to control your
husband, but he will rule over you.” That is the genesis of the feminist desire
to reject male headship. Sin made women think that submission to their husbands
was bad and seek instead to control them. Sin did not change how God intended
for the roles to interact, it just made us naturally resist God’s best plan
that was laid out in the very creation, in the beginning. God created women to
be a joyful help meet to their husbands. This is not demeaning, it is
fulfilling!
Still God’s Plan
It is still that way today. Wives are to submit to and obey their
husbands. They are not permitted to take authority over their husbands.
1 Timothy
2:11-15 says “Let a woman learn in silence with all submission. 12 And
I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, but to
be in silence. 13 For Adam was formed first, then
Eve. 14 And Adam was not deceived, but the woman
being deceived, fell into transgression. 15 Nevertheless
she will be saved in childbearing if they continue in faith, love, and
holiness, with self-control.”
Older women, are to be “teachers of good things— 4 that
they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their
children, 5 to be discreet, chaste,
homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God
may not be blasphemed” Titus 2:3-5.
One of the most comprehensive passages on the roles of husbands
and wives is found in Ephesians 5:22-33. I’ll quote it in its entirety, then comment:
Ephesians
5:22-33.
“Wives, submit to your own husbands,
as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the
wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the
body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject
to Christ, so let the wives be to their own
husbands in everything.
25 Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for
her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with
the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present
her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing,
but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So
husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his
wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his
own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the
church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His
flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man
shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall
become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but
I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless
let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the
wife see that she respects her husband.”
Here is a list of the instructions, in this passage, for the
husband and those for the wife:
For
Husbands:
• Be the head of his wife,
• Love his wife, just as
Christ also loved the church
•
Give yourself for her,
•
Sanctify and cleanse her
•
Lead her into the word of God
•
Present her to Himself not having spot or
wrinkle or any such thing,
• Make her holy and without blemish.
•
love their own wives as their own bodies;
•
nourish and cherish His wife
•
leave his father and mother and be joined to
his wife,
•
become one flesh with her love his own wife as
himself,
For Wives:
•
submit to your own husbands, as to the
Lord.
•
Let Him be your head
•
Be subject their own husbands in everything.
•
be holy and without blemish.
•
Be become one flesh with her husband
•
respect her husband.
Noticed that it is our husbands job to lead us to righteousness.
But you may ask, “How can my husband be my head, sanctify and cleanse me, make
me without spot or wrinkle, holy and without blemish? It seems like those are
things we should make ourselves into?”
That’s a good question. Remember, your husband is your head. It’s his job to
lead you. We are not naturally all those things just as we cannot be holy
without God’s grace. Notice that the husband is to take an active role in
making his wife “without spot or winkle.” Wives need their husband’s help to
learn good behavior and to make them obedient, remember Titus 2:5 which says we
must be obedient to our husbands?
Defeating our Sinful Nature:
In an ideal world, we would naturally submit to his guidance. But
we’re not in an ideal world. Because of sin, we far too often resist our
husband’s headship, just as Genesis said we would. This makes following God’s
plan more painful for both spouses.
So what if sin wells up in a wife
and she refuses to submit to her husband’s leadership, and/or disobeys
him? The passage indicates an answer for that too. Is says that husbands are to
love their wives as Christ loves the church? So the question is, what
does Christ do when his church disobeys?
Hebrews
12:6 holds the answer, “For whom the Lord loves He chastens,
and scourges every son whom He receives.” And Revelation 3:10 says, “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten.
Therefore be zealous and repent.” God
rebukes, chastens and scourges those He loves. In the same way, a loving
husband will rebuke chasten and scourge his wife to help her learn obedience.
I understand that this is totally counter to the popular feminism
of today. I can hear someone screaming into the computer screen, “Are you say
our husbands are supposed to
us?”
But that’s not just what I’m saying, that’s what the Bible is
saying. I know this doesn’t fit with what the current feminist agenda promoted
these days. But look around, do you really want the kind of marriage that the Feminists
have created? Until the 1940s and 50s it was just commonly accepted that
husbands were in charge and had the right to dicsipline their wives. No one
ever questioned it. And marriages tended to last much longer and be much
happier. When we operate within the rules God has established everyone is
happier. Then third wave feminism came and started trying to assert that men
and women should have the same roles. Disciipline was called abuse and marriages
began to become the unhappy, divorce ridden, things they are today. Fortunately,
thousands of couples have found that when they reject feminism and return to
God’s order, their marriages are restored and they have a high level of
happiness. And the best part is for the women. When we have a proper authority
and discipliine, we feel free, strong and safe. I would never go back to how
things were before I learned about Godly submission.
I hear someone else protest, “But I don’t think I like the idea of
my husband
me. That seems rather painful!” Of course not! No one likes
to be disciplinned, that’s why its effective. But Hebrews 12:11 says, “Now no
chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless,
afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been
trained by it.”
I can personally testify to the truth of those words. And so can
hundreds of women with whom I’ve counseled.
You can search the Bible from cover to cover and will not find an
single verse saying that the husband is supposed to obey the wife. Or that the
wife is no longer to submit to, respect and obey her husband. Instead you will
find over and over the command for a wife to obey her husband.
Some women have argued, My husband is not much of a leader, and if
I go to him and say, “I want you to
me.” he would think I’d lost my
mind!” As my husband and I counsel couples, we have found that most men, if they
feel it’s safe, will admit to wishing they could
their wives. They just
never thought that was ok and tended to push those thoughts out of their minds. Once they realize what the Bible says about
rules and marital discipline they tend to take on their roles very quickly.
After all, it’s natural for a man to do this, it’s what God created them to do!
Men tend to have a constant feeling of ill ease because society has told them
they cannot do what comes naturally, leading their family. You’ve probably had
your husband playfully slap you on the
from time to time. Why do you
think he thinks that’s romantic? Because he’s been hard wired that loving his
wife means dicsiplinning her. And even though it’s not socially acceptable, it’s
still an innate expression of love! We’ve found that many men resist Domestic
because they fear repercussions. So we recommend that when wives
propose this lifestyle to their men, they not only give him this Bible study,
but also a contract granting him the full and un-restricted right to disciplinee
you. It is signed and witnessed so he can feel safe knowing you aren’t going to
get mad and accuse him of abuse. It grants pre-consent stating that You are
making this decision at a time of no distress, and any statement made by you
during or before a
should be considered under distress and ignored.
This normally frees husbands up to feel confident in their discippline. But
sometimes wives still have to reassure their husbands for the first few times.
Here’sa link to the contract we recommend.
What About Abuse?
I need to address an important question here. What about
abuse? Doesn’t this just give license for an abusive husband to beat his wife?
Don’t miss this! The difference between abuse and disciplline is love and
consent. The Bible not only tells a husband to rule over his wife, it tells her
to willingly submit. For this to work the wife must be in full agreement. Of
course, when her husband is pulling down her
for a
, she won’t
be in agreement, and he has the right to force the issue, that’s what
pre-consent is all about, but in general, when things are ok, she must be a
willing participant, or else it becomes abuse.
My hubby and I have counseled hundreds of couples, and many
of them were in abusive relationships. Sometimes the wife is in danger and we
have to help her leave. And we do not hesitate to do so in those cases. But sometimes
we find that the abuse comes from frustration. As the wife refuses his
leadership and he lacks the tools to deal with that he becomes abusive. When
both spouses learn about biblical roles, and began practicing them, under our
close supervision, their marriage improves and the abuse stops. But we always
recommend close supervision in relationships where abuse has been seen.
How should s be administered?
One common question I get is, “Do
s really hurt?”
The answer is yes, and sometimes they’re very embarrassing. We always counsel
husbands to
their wives
, creating maximum surface pain without deep
bruising. It hurts all right, you’ll probably cry, actually its best if you do
cry, it gives release. I will write another article about the how of
discippline, but for now, just know, it’s the most painfully wonderful thing
ever.
Conclusion:
I know this comes as a shock to many of you. But I can only
ask you to review the Bible passages, then ask yourself, is my marriage what I
want it to be? If not, could my lack of submission, obedience, and respect
possibly be the cause? If so you may want to give it a try. There are many
excellent resources out there for getting started.
